What a wild ride this past month has been. Exactly 3 months ago, I was falling asleep in Las Vegas next to my newly wed wife. Tonight, i'm sleeping on an air mattress in Richmond with my dog Ringo. No longer married, no longer an occupant of my home but completely happy, completely complacent. This is where most people jump back and say, whaaaaaaat? As of now, 3 weeks later, this is my thesis on what went wrong-
Kara and I were always very very close. Especially in the beginning. We got all hyped on deciding to get married and we ignored what was happening to our true feelings. We started dealing with each other on a very short fuse. We started making our own agendas for ourselves and began to exclude the other from our thoughts and feelings. Kara decided she didn't want to live the same lifestyle she had been living and knew this decision wouldn't rest well with me. Instead of confronting the issue, she ignored it. I had some resentment growing in me also that I never let surface. I would get bothered by always catering to her needs, I became bothered by being the caretaker of the house and having to take care of all the pets. I ignored this resentment, let it fester deep inside and only let out a little bit at a time in the form of complaints or a bad mood. BOTH of us were too big of cowards to call the wedding off. I think this was due to our fear of letting the other one down. We were literally each others best friend and we were terrified of letting the other one go. We realized we weren't soul mates but were just too afraid to come to terms with it. We had grown apart, we stopped taking care of one another and started looking out for ourselves, emotionally, mentally, and physically.
The day before the meltdown, Kara came to me and told me she no longer wanted to be straight edge. I over reacted and told her I wouldn't be able to handle it. I ended up putting my feelings on the back burner on this issue. I tried convincing her and myself that I would be able to handle it eventually. Knowing me better than I know myself she knew this wouldn't fly. We did what we always did with every issue and buried it. Little did we know it would surface in less than 24 hours and rock our worlds to the very core. To cut it short, we argued fiercely, I said things I shouldn't have, she said things she shouldn't have. She finally garnered up the courage to let her true feelings show through. She told me she did not feel the same and hadn't for quite some time. Naturally, I was destroyed by this. I fought tooth and nail to win her back, but she stuck to her guns and pushed me away.
Now, normally this would ruin a man. Being dumped flat on his ass by his wife of only two months...and I was! Don't get me wrong. I was torn to pieces. It took me a few days to finally be able to reflect and collect my thoughts on the matter. I realized she was right, she saw through our relationship and knew that we wouldn't work out in the long run. Instead of dragging it out, she got the courage I never could find and ended it before it got even more messy. I took a hard look at my life and realized that moping and whining about it wasn't going to get me where I need to go. I could grow up, get the hell over it, and move on. So that's what I did.
I interviewed with and was accepted into the Sinclair Police Academy. Also, as of right now, 5/26/11 I'm still in the hiring process for the Dayton Police Department. I hang out with my pals pretty much every day. I see my nephews and sister numerous times a week. I've been talking and occasionally hanging out with a particular pretty girl ;] I've been doing everything I needed to do the past 3 years. I need my friends, I need my family, I need my freedom, and I need to have goals and the aspiration to pursue them.
I hold no resentment towards Kara and to the best of my knowledge she holds none towards me. We just recently put behind our bitterness towards one another and have been speaking about more than just the divorce proceedings. I never want her or her family to ever truly leave my life. They are an important part of my past and I cherish the bonds we made and the times we shared.
I can only press forward, I can only grow into an even stronger, better person.
I didn't proof read this so excuse my poor grammar and sentence fragments.
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