Grind away

Christmas is over. I never really enjoyed Christmas. I hate god and jesus and all that bullshit. I never have the means to really show my friends and family how much I care. It's usually just an uncomfortable and stressful time.

This year was different though. I wasn't stressed. I wasn't uncomfortable. I felt right at home. I felt at peace. Kelsea and I got each other one gift. My family all agreed not to get each other anything but just share a nice, relaxed, dinner together. Kelsea's family was a lot of fun and I felt exceptionally comfortable there.

After 17 months of being unemployed I am returning to work on January 3rd. I'll definitely be out of place for a week or so but I am confident I will take it up quickly and be proficient at whatever task I am assigned. I feel that given enough time and proper instruction I can do anything and become good at it. Maybe not rockstar good, but above average good. I like to think, I like to construct, I like to make things. I like things to work. My buddy Douglas got me this job and I won't let him down. He has been an invaluable source of friendship and camaraderie.

I finally heard from the City of Dayton. I wasn't chosen for their February Police Academy. I'm 9 positions away for the next class though and I feel like that will actually do me some good. I can put in a good 9 months to a year at this new job and be ready to move on to my dream job, a police officer with the city of Dayton.

A new year is set to begin in 4 days. My goal -  zero credit card debt and a new vehicle. I'm going to work as hard as I can this entire year. Overtime, extra shifts, I don't care. I want succeed. I want to prosper. I want to earn a raise and put money in the bank. Pay off bills and buy nicer things.

I would have never dreamed that these words would have ebbed from my mind 5 years ago. Life was so care free then. I'm okay with it though. I kind of embrace it.


Oh yeah, I turn 22 in eleven days. wild

What a wild life

It's been 6 months, a very wild, very unpredictable 6 months. For starters, on June 20, 2011 I met the person i'm confident I will spend the rest of my life with. 12 days later I asked her to be my girlfriend, about a month after that she moved in with me. I've never met someone who I can be so comfortable with. Not even the woman I was once married to. I can say with confidence I have found the one.

We can do anything together: clean the house, make dinner, go grocery shopping, walk the dog, do the laundry, study for tests, visit family, anything; but that's insignificant, any couple can do that. What makes her so special is that she can do all of these things ON HER OWN! She doesn't have to be embedded in my butthole in order to function. And that my friends, is a trait that not every relationship has. Plus she's gorgeous, super smart, extremely funny, respects who I am and who I want to be, can make a mean serving of biscuits and gravy, and if I fart under the blanket and hold it over her head she doesn't run away screaming.....(she usually gets me back twice as bad!) Plus she let's me go hangout with my friends, play golf, stay up late, and spend money on stupid stuff.

The next big thing - I graduated the police academy. I, Bryan Camden, graduated the police academy. I did so in pretty decent fashion too, I didn't just scratch out a finish, I finished FOURTH in my class. I did everything I could to the best of my ability. I walked away with every certification available, and I scored an 84 percent on the state test.

I even got a medal!

I am chasing this dream full tilt. There is nothing I want more than to be a Police Officer. My entire life revolves around law enforcement. Going on ride alongs, researching departments, tactics, gear, history, methods. From the television shows I watch to the web pages I look at. I'm fighting for this, I want it.
I know i'm not an ideal candidate. I know I have a blemished history. I know I don't have a degree, or a military background. But I have a desire, a burning desire. A desire to prove myself, a desire to help others. Every department I apply to, I picture myself serving and protecting with them, for the citizens of the community they serve. I know if I can just get the chance, i'll succeed anywhere I go. I hope somewhere, someone realizes that. I have a passion for learning and that's something that can't be taught or acquired. It's something you're born with, AND I HAVE IT. I want to climb as high as I can.

The last 6 months have had a golden lining. Everything came together in wonderful fashion. Kelsea, the academy, my monetary situation, my dog losing weight, taking up a new hobby(golf). My car broke down, I was able to sell it, and then buy a better car for only a little bit more money.

The unfortunate side of life is that every golden lining has a rusty ugly underside. That rusty ugly underside is starting to show. I have applied to probably 10 different police departments. I have only heard back from 1, Dayton. I had an interview, a polygraph, and last I heard my background investigation was done. I haven't gotten a phone call, a letter, an email, nothing. I know when I apply to a department that my application isn't necessarily placed on the top of the list. I haven't finished my degree, I have no prior experience, and I have a juvenile record. I'm usually a very optimistic, happy, stress-free person but lately I have been getting a little down on myself. My unemployment is slated to run out in 2 weeks. I have a massive pile of bills each month and it's going to be tough to find a job in the mean time. I have so much weight on my shoulders; and all I want to do is succeed. I want to make something of myself. I want to make my brother proud. I want to provide for my girlfriend. I want to be able to go to sleep at night and not worry about money or bills or anything like that.

I know I can do it. I'm not going to stop trying until I succeed. I won't let myself down.

Well, I'm all moved in to my new apartment with my room mate Bradley Cherry. First few nights have been okay. It's a pretty nice place and there hasn't been much crap going on outside yet.

I was de-registered from the police academy this weekend due to some financial aid malfunction. I'll be on the phone first thing in the morning trying to get that crap settled and sorted out. I have until Wednesday to do so.

Ringo has lost 4 lbs since we moved from Brookville. I'm proud of him, he's been walking a lot and is on a diet.

I miss my pals back in Richmond already. I can't wait until I get my finances back in order and can afford to drive over there and hang out.

I just love my life.

The key to the door - was breaking it down.

What a wild ride this past month has been. Exactly 3 months ago, I was falling asleep in Las Vegas next to my newly wed wife. Tonight, i'm sleeping on an air mattress in Richmond with my dog Ringo. No longer married, no longer an occupant of my home but completely happy, completely complacent. This is where most people jump back and say, whaaaaaaat? As of now, 3 weeks later, this is my thesis on what went wrong-

Kara and I were always very very close. Especially in the beginning. We got all hyped on deciding to get married and we ignored what was happening to our true feelings. We started dealing with each other on a very short fuse. We started making our own agendas for ourselves and began to exclude the other from our thoughts and feelings. Kara decided she didn't want to live the same lifestyle she had been living and knew this decision wouldn't rest well with me. Instead of confronting the issue, she ignored it. I had some resentment growing in me also that I never let surface. I would get bothered by always catering to her needs, I became bothered by being the caretaker of the house and having to take care of all the pets. I ignored this resentment, let it fester deep inside and only let out a little bit at a time in the form of complaints or a bad mood. BOTH of us were too big of cowards to call the wedding off. I think this was due to our fear of letting the other one down. We were literally each others best friend and we were terrified of letting the other one go. We realized we weren't soul mates but were just too afraid to come to terms with it. We had grown apart, we stopped taking care of one another and started looking out for ourselves, emotionally, mentally, and physically.

The day before the meltdown, Kara came to me and told me she no longer wanted to be straight edge. I over reacted and told her I wouldn't be able to handle it. I ended up putting my feelings on the back burner on this issue. I tried convincing her and myself that I would be able to handle it eventually. Knowing me better than I know myself she knew this wouldn't fly. We did what we always did with every issue and buried it. Little did we know it would surface in less than 24 hours and rock our worlds to the very core. To cut it short, we argued fiercely, I said things I shouldn't have, she said things she shouldn't have. She finally garnered up the courage to let her true feelings show through. She told me she did not feel the same and hadn't for quite some time. Naturally, I was destroyed by this. I fought tooth and nail to win her back, but she stuck to her guns and pushed me away.

Now, normally this would ruin a man. Being dumped flat on his ass by his wife of only two months...and I was! Don't get me wrong. I was torn to pieces. It took me a few days to finally be able to reflect and collect my thoughts on the matter. I realized she was right, she saw through our relationship and knew that we wouldn't work out in the long run. Instead of dragging it out, she got the courage I never could find and ended it before it got even more messy. I took a hard look at my life and realized that moping and whining about it wasn't going to get me where I need to go. I could grow up, get the hell over it, and move on. So that's what I did.

I interviewed with and was accepted into the Sinclair Police Academy. Also, as of right now, 5/26/11 I'm still in the hiring process for the Dayton Police Department. I hang out with my pals pretty much every day. I see my nephews and sister numerous times a week. I've been talking and occasionally hanging out with a particular pretty girl ;] I've been doing everything I needed to do the past 3 years. I need my friends, I need my family, I need my freedom, and I need to have goals and the aspiration to pursue them.

I hold no resentment towards Kara and to the best of my knowledge she holds none towards me. We just recently put behind our bitterness towards one another and have been speaking about more than just the divorce proceedings. I never want her or her family to ever truly leave my life. They are an important part of my past and I cherish the bonds we made and the times we shared.

I can only press forward, I can only grow into an even stronger, better person.

I didn't proof read this so excuse my poor grammar and sentence fragments.

Days like today I spend more time thinking and overanalyzing than I do anything else. My chest hurts now. I hope the two are related.

...

So many choices to make in the coming months. I've been poring extensively over joining the military. I've always wanted to but I have so many responsibilities to factor into any decisions I make. I have a wife to look after, 3 dogs, a house, an education to finish. The positives are always heavy in the back of my mind though. Extra income, health insurance, monetary assistance for college, experience. Nothing I do now comes without negative repercussions,  I know I would hate leaving Kara and the dogs behind for a few months. Plus I would have to take off a quarter or two from school.
Another decision is when to take the police academy. Do I go this summer and put the military off until next year? Do I wait until I figure out the military situation and go in the winter?  I know I need to do something. Staying up until 3 am and sleeping until 2pm has to stop. Not because i'm lazy or anything, I just get so damn bored. There is nothing to do besides sleep that late. I hate it. It really becomes a vicious cycle, the more ya sleep, the later you're awake, repeat. I have to get up for school in 5 hours, it's really going to be tough. =[

The dog days are over

It's been nearly 2 months since i've last posted. I feel like a negligent parent, except I wouldn't compare this blog to a child, or a pet. Perhaps a plant. I've left the leaves of my blog to wilt.
It's been a wild few months. I couldn't recant it all if I tried. Besides the wedding nothing significant has really happened. Been trudging along in school, Douglas moved out, we had a great reception party, my cousin married my best pals sister. Just a bunch of random stuff.

What I really want to talk about are the people who surround me. I have so many people in my corner looking out for me. This weekend in Vegas really proved that. I've got my wife, my brothers, my sister, my best pal Doug, my mother, father, sister, 2 grandmothers, and 2 grandfather in laws who have made it known that they really care about me and my well being. Being able to spend my wedding day/weekend with these people really warmed my heart. So many people made sacrifices to be there, to send a gift, to send a card, to just wish us well. I'm still attempting to comprehend it all. I knew people loved us but sheesh. It really warms your heart and gives one a strong sense of security.

I'm just glad to be back home at this point, laying in bed, staring at this screen, knowing i'll wake up and feel this feeling again tomorrow.

21 down, ___ To go

      Sometimes I wonder how i'll die. Will it be cancer? From some foreign carcinogen I thought I was so careful to avoid? Will I die behind a badge? Will I become an Officer and someday pull over the wrong person? Maybe it will be completely out of my hands, a fire, gas leak, plane crash, something so ridiculous it will end up on a television show like 1000 Ways to Die. Maybe I just won't wake up someday and only after hours of studying my body will a coroner realize he has no clue how I passed.
     Now I'm not suicidal or contemplating death or anything. I just wonder these things because every day I get older and closer and closer to the inevitable. I turned 21 today (1-7). In an age and society where this occasion is marked by shots and jaeger bombs until near coma arises, I simply sat at home until Kara got off work, we had dinner with some friends, had cake, then came home. Now, it seems there are only negative milestones to reach. Oh, i'm 40 today, great. Tomorrow I turn 50 and in a few years AARP will be knocking on my door. I approached my birthday like any other day because to me that is all it is. I'm more excited about Ringo's birthday or Kara and I's anniversary than my own birthday. It may be due to the fact that in all my childhood I can remember maybe one birthday party. Possibly it's because I feel no one really cared about my birthday growing up. It came, it went. I didn't even get to take cup cakes to school =[
      The important thing about today is that I learned not everything is what it seems and if a problem comes to surface, tackle it head on. Never let something fester under the assumption it will go away on it's own because it won't. Before I met Kara I was completely untouchable when it came to emotions and feelings. She showed me what it is like to love. To be happy. To cry. To comfort. To care and be cared for.  I've learned so much about myself and life in general because of her. I'll never let anything come between us.  Life is only getting shorter and shorter. Every day is another day lost to the eternal clock of life and death. Something we all will fall victim to eventually. I can only spend every day enjoying it like it's my last.